​• Ice Cream​
• Regular chocolate ice cream
(made with powdered milk)
• Regular vanilla ice cream made with
powdered milk
​• Deluxe ice cream (using real milk)
• Snazzy ice cream treats
• Chocolate sundae with peanuts 
​• and caramel
• Banana split
• Classic popcorn balls
• Maple popcorn balls
• Peanut butter popcorn balls
• Chocolate carmel popcorn balls
• Caramel peanut popcorn confection
• “Prisoner of Corn” cornflake cookies
• Sweet Self-Surrender granola cookies
​• Chocolate no-bake cookies (with real​
cocoa powder)
• Chocolate no-bake cookies (with hot
​• cocoa drink mix)
• Peanut butter no bake cookies
• Chocolate brownies with honey
carmel glaze
• Toffee glazed brownie wafers
• Peanut butter pie​
• Creamy chocolate pudding (with instant
cocoa drink mix)
• Real banana pudding
• Faux banana pudding
• Lemon pudding
• Cappuccino mocha cheesecake
• Lemon cheesecake with 
strawberry crust
​• Iced almond raisin banana cake
• Layer cake with chocolate frosting
• Lemon cake with lemon frosting
• Spongy M & M® cake
• Peanut brittle (method one)
• Peanut brittle (method two)
• M & M® pralines
​• Chocolate peanut butter fudge
• Carmel fudge
• Creamy peanut butter fudge
• Creamy chocolate fudge
• Chocolate taffy
• Shoe Chew candy shoe leather
• Citrus sliced candy
• Soft and chewy lemon candy
• Drooling weirdo chocolate 
peanut butter cups
• Lollipops
​• Weenie Pops
• Carmel Apples
• Cinnamon apple cobbler
• Bananas Foster pie
• Chariot of the Thugs baklava date bar
• Jailhouse Dunderfunk

• Ashland Federal Correctional Institution
• Atwater United States Penitentiary 
• Bastrop Federal Correctional Institution
• Bennettsville Federal 
Correctional Institution
• Deluth Federal Prison Camp
• Edgefield Federal 
Correctional Institution
• Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institution
• Gilmer Federal Correctional Institution
• Greenville Federal 
Correctional Institution
• La Tuna Federal Correctional
Institution (SHU)
• Manchester Federal
Correctional Institution
• Oakdale Federal Correctional Institution
• Sandstone Federal 
Correctional Institution
• Schuylkill Federal 
Correctional Institution

• Pico de gallo
• Guacamole salad
• Creamy chili con queso dip
• Hot and spicy queso dip (method one)
• Hot and spicy queso dip (method two)
• Salsa dip
• Laredo seafood cocktails
• Fish, sausage, and potato tacos
• Lay down tacos• Guido’s burritos
• Chicken tacos• Gorditas• Hot tamales
• Sopes
• Tex-Mex beef enchiladas
• Tex-Mex cheese enchiladas with chili 
 con carne
• Sour cream chicken enchiladas
• Classic chicken enchiladas
• Chicken quesadillas

• Cinnamon-flavored lemonade
• Raspberry or cherry flavored lemonade
• Cinnamon desert coffee
• Mint coffee
• Peanut butter coffee
• Cherry coffee
• Chocolate coffee
• Classic hot tea
• Peppermint ice tea
​• Raspberry ice tea
• Orange-flavored ice tea made from
powered drink mix
• Orange-flavored ice tea made with
real orange juice
• Lemon honey ice tea
• Spicy vegetable juice
• Chocolate smoothie
• Pappy Frosty Fingers: snow cones and
slushy-ice drinks
• Cocktails
• Brew Hoo: A.K.A. Jailhouse Hooch
• Jew Brew
​• Sore throat remedies: garlic tea
​• Lemonade sore throat remedy
​• Key
• About availability of ingredients
• Available commissary products
• Easily absconded dining room items
• More challenging kitchen items
• About spices
​• How to measure stuff
• Dry volume
• Liquid volume
• Measuring butter
• Measuring sugar
• How to cut stuff
• Special stuff about microwave 
cooking times
• About stingers
• How to rinse canned roast beef
• How to rehydrate refried beans
• How to heat tortillas
• How to bake potatoes
• Making toast
• About packaged bagels
• Boiling eggs
• Popcorn-bag fried rice
• Popcorn-bag fried potatoes
• Party snack mixes
• Making your own prison cheese

• Tropical chicken and rice with banana
• Tomato fried rice with chicken
• Shepherd’s pie
​• Chicken and dumplings
• Wild Man Chang’s sea food noodles
• Spicy tuna patties
• Holy Mackerel patties
• Salmon croquettes
• Avocado cheese burgers
• Thai cashew chicken
• Beef teriyaki
• Orange beef
• Egg Mac Ruffian
• Tasmanian omelet
​• Spaghetti and meatballs
• Classic chili pie
​• Rodeo’s chili and bean pie
• Turkey sausage with avocado bagelwich
• Criminal mischief burger
• Barbeque beef sandwich
• Honey mustard salmon on bagel
The Flaming Dragon-Nostril 
​• Burger-of-Delight
• Roast beef with grill cheese sandwich
​• Hobo Bob’s deluxe beans and franks
​• Creamy tuna casserole
• Chicken and potato quiche
• New England clam chowder
• Felon of the Sea tuna pizza
• Thick crust pizza
​• Pig in a Pokey
• Spicy Cajun gumbo
• Cuban Style Caldo seafood soup in a
spicy tomato broth
• Spicy Italian clam pasta
• Old Corn Tucker’s creamy cheese with
chicken pasta
• Beef filled potato rolls
• Pasta salad






This is a black and white soft cover book that is 8½" X 11". It contains 237 pages of information.


These recipes are the result of years of hard labor, personal risk, and great treachery. To get these recipes involved savage coercion and brutality. Once I almost killed a man just to learn the secret of his fondue. And now, for the first time ever, I literally drag these guarded treasures from their steel-lock boxes for your own pleasure and amusement.

During my cruel retreat at Club Fed, I observed two main types of eaters. The first and smaller group is the prison gourmets. These folks take great pride in cooking. Their delicious banquet spreads are part of a larger cultural ritual. Ethnic groups, such as Latinos and Asians, often celebrate a rich culture of good food that is carried over into prison life. Here, it is a part of their regular social cohesion.

To see this type of eater cooking is like watching a chef at work in a bistro. Producing a meal may take all afternoon and involve a small army of participants. They can be seen around the microwave stirring, taking a taste of this and adding a pinch of that. The result is extraordinary fare, but there are downsides.

​Prison gourmets do not settle for the usual commissary items, they use special channels to get special ingredients. Utilizing contacts across the compound, they come up with a full array of fresh meats, cheeses, vegetables and spices that others may have trouble getting. Their utensils and cookware are also contraband. Another downside, for the average schlub, is that this style of cooking takes a long time.

​The other common type of eater (the largest group) is the lazy uncreative fraternal type. These people just kick in whatever they have lying around and make a communal pile. The stuff is all blended together and doled out in bowls. The typical ingredients are roast beef, turkey log, canned chili, refried beans, cheese spread, and onions, all melted over chips. This nameless potluck comfort food is usually pretty good. But it, too, has downsides.

​It is easy for this style of cooking to become a big fiasco. It is never clear who contributed what, if anything, and who is suppose to cook or clean. Another problem is that people are not all hungry at the same time or for the same exact thing. The potluck method gets old, too. After all, it’s just the same old ingredients reshuffled in differing volumes.

​Aside from these few small objections there is nothing particularly wrong with either type of eater. If either of these two scenarios appeals to you, then federal prison is your dream come true. On the other hand, if you are independent and
​self-sufficient with discriminating taste, this book was written for you.

​The overwhelming majority of ingredients described in this book are things that any federal inmate can legally purchase at their commissary. A few of the items may not be widely available; these are noted for your consideration.

​Each recipe here was personally prepared, often multiple times, in order to fine-tune every step. Details were recorded in a simple yet scientific way for your convenience. Finally, a panel of very tasteful and elite inmate critics sampled each dish and gave honest, almost caveman-like, opinions and suggestions. Only those recipes, which met broad favor, were included.

Most of these items are very good; many are quick, economical and clever. I know that you will carry these tricks with you back into the free world. They will be fun to teach to your kids and use to impress your camping partners.

I hope that you enjoy sampling these goodies as much as I did extorting them from others. Bon Appétit, 

​                                                                                                                                                                        – Mad Dog